Love Hina: The Final Days
by Mitschu
Summary: What happens when Keitaro discovers the world has been overtaken by zombies? Well, not much in the first chapter, since he hasn't noticed yet, but there will be gun toting Haruka, naked Motoko, and the bike from FFVII. Also self inserts & randomness.
1. The NASCAR Race

Love Hina: Next

His head was filled with whiteness, a bland distasteful realm of clouds. Slowly, a small mountain appeared, with steps leading up it, and finally a large building appeared at the center of this new existence. Off to the side, a small sandbox existed, with two children frolicking in it. He moved towards these beings, and stepped seamlessly into the boy's perspective.

"Hey, did you hear? If two people that love each other go to Toudai together, they'll find happiness!" The boy smiled at the girl, whose name he couldn't remember at the moment. He couldn't grasp the full implication of what she was saying, but he knew that he was the happiest he had ever been, so he nodded with her.

The boy turned his head away to look towards the inn he was staying out, extending a hand towards it. As his hand hovered in the air, a strange thing happened. His hand slowly began to mature and age, and suddenly, all of Keitaro's memories flooded his dream. Looking down, he realized he was his own age again... but what of the girl behind him? Eager to find out who his promised girl was, he span around...

**---Scene Change---**

Keitaro woke with a shock. _Was it a dream, or a memory, or what?_ He wondered fleetingly. Filled with an intense joy, he decided it was time to tell Naru what he had dreamed. Tossing off his covers, he leaned up and popped the small plank of wood out of way, so he could enter Naru's room through the small hole that separated their rooms.

"Naru, I just had this dream, and you were in it, but..." Keitaro stopped mid sentence, looking fully upon the naked figure of one Narusegawa Naru. "Er, that is..." As Naru proceeded towards Keitaro, he wondered why stuff like this always happened.

**---Scene Change---**

Floating, pain, intensity, clouds, falling, pain again, possibly a tree.

**---Scene Change---**

"Why do you always hit me, Naru?" Young Keitaro asked the tiny girl next to him, while nursing a new bruise developing on his cheek.

"Because I love you, silly!" The little girl giggled at Keitaro as his brain boggled from this information.

**---Scene Change---**

Keitaro slowly awoke, initially feeling disorientation based on height. _Why is my bed floating in the air? Su?_ Slowly, as he came to, he realized he was on a hospital bed, though the other details escaped him. Noticing a small call light to his left, he squeezed the cord. After nothing happened, he squeezed the cord again. Finally he deigned to call for someone.

"He...llo?" Keitaro was shocked at the sound of his own voice – it was gravelly and coarse. _How hard did that banshee hit me this time?_ Keitaro pulled his strength together again and called out again, this time with slightly better result.

Silence greeted Keitaro, and not the kind of other residents sleeping, but the silence of death. Unfortunately, being Keitaro, he didn't notice, and called out again. And again. Finally, after calling out five times, he decided to try something different. He went for the call light again.

After maybe fifteen minutes of alternating between the call light and calling out, Keitaro finally decided something was wrong. _God, what sort of crappy hospital did Naru and the girls put me in? Nurses don't answer calls for help _or_ the call light._ Keitaro decided to try and get to the nurse's station by himself.

It was startlingly easy, if by startling you meant how startled Keitaro was when he stood up and promptly fell over. This might have had something to do with the blood congealed on the floor beside him, but he passed it off as just him being clumsy as usual. Making his way over the blood trail leaving his room, and only slipping twice more –_ God, I'm tripping a lot today... probably means Naru is on the other side in a loose blouse, or something..._ – he finally exited his room.

Now some people would be scared by all the people with blood dripping out of their mouths, sitting in chairs with their eyes shut and portions of their flesh ripped off. Keitaro looked around in awe for a few seconds, and then decided that this was why no one had answered his call light. _Good lord, I hit a tree and I think I deserve immediate help. These people look like they hit a tree and promptly fell into the wood chipper the tree was going into._ One man in particular looked awake, with no legs and one arm missing. He tried to drag himself over to where Keitaro was standing, releasing a feral grunt with every pull.

"Hey, man, don't worry about it, I'll go to the nurse's station and tell them you need some help, okay?" Keitaro walked away from the missing limbed man feeling slightly better about his prior moral decline, having decided to do something for others with his obviously better help.

When he reached the nurse's station, the first thing he saw was another armless woman, her arm a few feet away from her with a shotgun clutched in it. He tittered at the shotgun – _in a hospital, imagine!_ – and turned to the glazed eyed woman. She stuttered and spat as he approached her, total fear in her eyes. Keitaro finally noticed her armless state, and frowned for a moment, the hints of _something is wrong here_ finally playing at the corner of his brain. Then the solution to this equation arrived – equal opportunity employment. After all, why shouldn't she be allowed to work just because of a small disability? Ignoring the blood on her arm – where the trail of blood from his room came from, incidentally – he smiled his most winning smile. Unfortunately, the woman, in terrible shock, saw his winning smile as a gaping maw full of sharp, deadly teeth. She screamed, stood up, and ran into the nearest closet, locking herself in with a lot of gibbering.

Keitaro was definitely starting to figure something out in the back of his mind. Equal opportunity employment, while beautiful in principle, wasn't a working system. After all, any individual with mental issues should be kept _in_ a hospital, not _working in_ a hospital. Or at least that was how Keitaro felt. Then again, he was just mildly peeved that he wouldn't be able to do a good deed for the missing limbed man who was still trying to crawl (in Keitaro's mind) to the nurse's station.

"Hey, sir, I really wouldn't recommend wasting any more energy, since the nurse is a bit preoccupied right now. Let me see if I can find you a wheelchair, or something." Hurrying past the missing limbed man and narrowly missing getting bitten by him, Keitaro headed towards the emergency entrance, feeling that would be a logical place to keep wheelchairs.

"Oh, hello sir!" Keitaro said cheerfully to the man behind the ambulance's wheel. "I'm just going to borrow a wheelchair for a guy inside, okay?" The man grunted, which Keitaro took to be an _okay_ sort of grunt, and so, without considering anything else, Keitaro climbed into the back of the ambulance.

The first thing Keitaro noticed was that there weren't any wheelchairs in the back of the ambulance. The gurney looked like it would roll easily enough, so Keitaro got to the task of removing the securing straps on it. He paused in his task, however, when the ambulance suddenly started moving forward.

"Um, excuse me sir, but I need to get this gurney out, okay?" Another grunt met Keitaro's ears, and the vehicle continued to move. Quickly. Actually, speeding was the word. And then it stopped. Suddenly. Keitaro was flung out of the backside of the ambulance when it hit the other ambulance in the parking lot, the gurney flying below him and, for once in Keitaro's memory, something _soft_ broke his fall. Then the gurney, having expended all its stored kinetic energy from the throw, began using its potential energy which it was entitled to, due to the fact that Keitaro was on a hill. For those, like Keitaro, who didn't understand that, this summary will suffice. It stopped rolling uphill, and began rolling downhill.

What occurred next would best be described by a NASCAR announcer, however, since at the time of writing this paragraph they are all dead, except for the one who is being eaten alive by a manic fan (who incidentally, isn't sick, possessed, undead, or anything - just a manic fan,) this will have to do.

Keitaro zoomed around the corner, on his trusty vehicle Gurney #1, sponsored by the Hinata Hospital Complex, as another individual swings by on Gurney #2, also sponsored by the Hinata Hospital Complex. The other individual is, shall we say, drop _dead_ gorgeous? Or maybe he's so sexy, he's a _killer_? Would it work to say that he is _hungry_ for a good race? That, as a child, he was _starving_ for attention? Or that the only words he has said so far are the four italicized in this paragraph?

Keitaro grinned, still contemplating his good fortune of having something soft break his fall, and so didn't notice that his slightest movement threw the gurney he was on into a random direction. This is good, because if he had tried to steer, odds are he'd be back at the hospital, either directly or indirectly. Instead, because he was distracted, every motion he made drove the gurney with startling accuracy – indeed, twice his pursuer crashed trying to emulate a stunt Keitaro had just pulled off. Fortunately, there was always another gurney ready to replace the other individual if it crashed, so the race Keitaro didn't know he was in never got boring. In fact, had Motoko been present at the race, she would have been so impressed she would have ripped off all her clothing and started nibbling on Keitaro eagerly. Actually, the clothing was already off, and the nibbling would have been entirely unrelated to how impressed she was.

Fortunately, Keitaro was further distracted now by the idea of Motoko nibbling on him, and so still didn't realize that he was indirectly controlling the gurney – which would have been direct sabotage. Instead, he unintentionally lined himself up perfectly with a ramp, launching himself over two small food vendor stands while his follower crashed. Then, because he shuddered at the thought of what Motoko would do to him if she knew he was thinking these thoughts about her, the gurney did a perfect 180o turn and drove straight past the new replacement, zooming ahead and heading on a direct path.

Finally, Keitaro shrugged and decided he didn't care what happened, since Motoko would never find out what he thought. As he shrugged, the gurney did a 2160o (that is six 360s, so you know) turn and slammed perfectly into a parking space mere feet from the Hinata Inn. Had the nearby policeman seen Keitaro's stunt, he would have given Keitaro a speeding ticket, and promptly ripped it up for doing the most perfect parking of a gurney the officer had ever seen. However, the officer was distracted by a lovely blonde who was, like Keitaro, completely unaware of the problem with the town. Fortunately for the officer, it was time for his lunch break. Unfortunately for Keitaro, he was now the only person left in town who was clueless as to what happened.

Keitaro hopped off of the gurney and began moving up the steps leading to the Hinata Inn. Unfortunately for his escort, the stairs were not gurney friendly, and so, the last Keitaro heard of the pursuers he didn't know about was a loud crash and mumbling from the bottom of the steps.

He paused at the door, his senses tingling. _Something isn't right, Keitaro. Get out, get out now! You're going to die if you go in there!_ All this shocking information flooded Keitaro's mind suddenly, overwhelming him. Finally, he shook his head and decided that it was too much work to find out where that came from, so it would be best to just forget about it.

"Hello? Naru, Shinobu, girls?" Keitaro called out from the front door. A low gasp came from his right, and he slowly turned to face one Su Kaolla, blood dripping from her mouth and a feral hunger in her eyes that could only mean one thing. Keitaro's eyes widened as he finally realized what was happening, and he turned to flee, releasing only one scream before Kaolla lunged at his throat.


	2. Self Insertion

"Aw, crap, Su, they forgot to feed you again?" Keitaro cried as he turned away. As a result, Kaolla clung to the side of him, wrapping her tanned legs tightly around his chest. Keitaro paused for a moment, debating whether getting a hug from one of the Hinata girls was worth the pounding that would probably follow. It was at this point that Kaolla sunk her teeth into his neck.

"Damn it, Su, stop that! I'll get into the kitchen and make you some Banana Ramen or something, just stop – damn it, stop biting me!" Kaolla continued biting into the side of his neck, which spurted blood everywhere as he fought to get the girl off of him. Unbeknownst to him, a woman in the corner slowly raised her gun, an uncharacteristic tear in her eye. She swiped at the tear so that it wouldn't interfere with her aim, and slowly began to depress the trigger. Meanwhile, Keitaro continued to struggle with the tan girl.

"Look, Su, there is a banana tree!" The girl jerked suddenly, staring into the direction Keitaro was pointing, and pulling him with her. As a result, the loud explosion that filled the chamber, which was supposed to be produced by a powder igniting and launching a bullet into Kaolla's head, instead resulted in a bullet slamming into Keitaro's shoulder.

"Damn it, Su, your inventions are always..." Keitaro finally noticed the woman in the corner, then the gun shaking in her hand, the unlit cigarette hanging by her mouth. Slowly, fear filled his eyes, only to be more rapidly replaced by indignation.

"Auntie Haruka, you shot me!" Keitaro declared, the events of the day having nothing on the weirdness that was getting shot by a family member. Haruka coughed, obviously slightly embarrassed. Then, collecting herself, she raised the gun again.

"What is it, Su?" Keitaro was jerked suddenly as she made another effort to get to Keitaro's made-up banana tree. Unfortunately, the head shot that Haruka had lined up again had the misfortunate of flying into Keitaro, this time in his other shoulder.

"Damn it, old woman, stop shooting me!" Keitaro cried. Haruka slowly stepped forward, and then bashed him in the forehead with her handgun.

"Don't call me an old woman." She said, rotating the cigarette in her mouth. She then realized that her cigarette was out, and raising the gun to the tip, fired. The noise made Keitaro jump again. The jump made both of his shoulders burn, and then he realized that they actually _were_ burning.

"What the hell did you shoot me with, old – Aunt Haruka?" Keitaro exclaimed, watching tendrils of fire fluffing out from the bullet wounds.

"Sulfate bullets. Flamethrower minis, if you will." Haruka took a drag on her cigarette, and then gagged. "Has an awful taste, mind."

"Yes, I do mind! You shot me! Twice! With burning bullets!" Keitaro looked at the bullet holes again, noticing that they weren't really that deep. But they hurt like Hell.

"I was aiming for her." Haruka gestured towards Kaolla. Keitaro drew a blank look on his face.

"Why would you shoot her? She isn't immortal like me." Indeed, as they spoke, the bullet popped out of his left shoulder, which slowly began to mend itself.

"She has an... issue." Haruka looked piteously at Kaolla, who was still slowly gnawing on Keitaro, with no affect.

"I would say, she hasn't been fed yet!" Keitaro pat the young girl on the head, and quickly pulled his hand away as Kaolla tried to bite it.

"No, it isn't that she hasn't been fed, Keitaro." Haruka tried again.

"Oh, then she just misses me. I must say, none of the other girls ever hug me when I come home from the hospital." Keitaro had a momentary thought that quickly passed.

"She didn't miss you, Keitaro." Haruka began to sweat. How explicit would she have to get?

"Oh, damn, what'd I do to her, then? Did I accidentally grab her when Naru punched me, or something?"

Haruka sighed, and then turned to Keitaro. "There is something wrong with Kaolla that is physical, Keitaro. And you must do something about it." Keitaro gave Haruka a startled look.

"Keitaro, you need to kill Kaolla." Keitaro's eyes widened.

"What do you mean, Haruka?"

"Here, take this gun and go into the back room, and kill Kaolla." Keitaro gulped, and finally turned to Haruka.

"But what will the other girls think? And shouldn't Kaolla get to decide when she is... killed?" Haruka noticed the special infliction he put on the word kill, almost like he didn't understand what it meant. She decided he was in some form of shock.

"Go back there into your room, Keitaro, and kill Kaolla once and for all."

Keitaro gulped, looking around nervously. Then, finally, he nodded, and started to leave the room.

"Keitaro, the gun?" Haruka asked.

"I won't need it, I think, Haruka." Keitaro smiled a small sad smile, and proceeded into his bedroom, the inert Kaolla writhing again as he started moving.

Haruka wondered. She wondered whether or not Keitaro was emotionally strong enough to take this. She wondered why Keitaro's bedspring was squeaking. She wondered if she was doing the right thing by killing Kaolla. She wondered why the bed in the other room was rhythmically squeaking. She wondered if she would survive, and if Keitaro would survive. She wondered what that damn squeaking was. And then, suddenly, she realized. Keitaro was acting like he didn't know what the word kill meant, asking what the other girls would think, if Kaolla would want him to, saying he wouldn't need the gun... and now, the other room's bed was squeaking. _He doesn't know what 'kill' means!_

"Keitaro, God no!" Haruka screamed, rushing into the other room expecting the worst. Kaolla's corpse, lying on the bed, Keitaro pounding away... instead, she was greeted by a similar, but different in context, scene.

"Damn in, Su!" Keitaro said, picking her up from under the armpits and throwing her across the room onto his bed. He then proceeded to flip through a few pages of the dictionary in front of him, before turning suddenly and catching Kaolla, then throwing her across the room again. The mattress squeaked every time Kaolla fell onto the bed, and Haruka released the biggest sweat drop known to the anime and manga worlds.

"Keitaro, I thought you slept on a futon." Haruka queried. Indeed, amongst all the other oriental furniture, the single bed stood out.

"Must have changed while I was gone... aha, here we go. Kill – a verb, meaning to... that can't be right..." Keitaro continued to skim the dictionary, a worried look creasing his face.

"Keitaro, why don't you know what the word 'kill' means?"

"I don't know. Ask Joe, he's the guy writing in English." Keitaro muttered.

Joseph appeared suddenly, in a flash of green powder that smelled vaguely of Haruka's bullets. He scowled (making his gargantuan moustache part) at Keitaro. Finally, he leaned forward, exposing a crazy mass of hair that looked like it would eat any comb that came near it.

"Why do you dare invoke _my_ name? I thought I told you this was going to be a serious horror story!"

"Well, you are the guy who decided to write a serious horror story about events occurring in Japan to Japanese people in English!" Keitaro retorted.

"I'm not the only one, you know. Plenty of people write about Love Hina in English! It's called an international fanbase!"

Keitaro sighed. "Well, that still doesn't help that I'm Japanese and have only taken marginal English lessons. I only know so much, you know. And why were you going to have Haruka have me kill Su?"

Joe leaned forward again, grumbling. "First off, her _name_ is Kaolla, you idiot. Secondly, she is infected with a disease that turns her into an eater of flesh, mutant of designs, and monster of unfathomable power."

Keitaro cocked an eyebrow. "You mean a zombie?"

.Joe sighed. "I mean a mutation of dead flesh. Don't ask what that means, I still haven't decided. All I know, she is infected, and that is why you are supposed to take Haruka's sulfate bullets – and, Haruka, how'd you know sulfur was what it took to kill them? – and propel them into Kaolla's forehead."

After this statement, there was general silence. Finally, Haruka answered the question posed at her. "Well, Joe, I really don't know, I just started out this morning with a box of sulfate bullets, a handgun, and a couple of zombies – " At this, Joe coughed. " – infected mutation of dead flesh. I thought, gee, zomb – infected, what would work better than rounds specifically given to me by an unforeseen higher power? And voila, here we are. Don't ask me how the rest of my evening went, I don't really know. I went from what I just described to yelling a warning at Keitaro not to enter the Inn."

"Oh, that was you? I thought it was my subconscious talking to me again, so I ignored it. Sorry, Aun-bwah." Haruka whacked Keitaro over the head with her handgun.

"Guys, aren't we forgetting something?" Joe asked, gesturing towards Kaolla. "Kill the zom – er, infected."

Kaolla, who had been fairly quiet to this point, grinned suddenly, reaching behind her and pulling out what very well might have been the smallest nuclear bomb launcher known to man.

"Okay, baby, bring it on!" Kaolla crowed.

"Huh, wait, aren't the infected supposed to be unable to talk?" Joe pondered, flipping through a small book labeled _The Plot: And Other Plans_. Keitaro stole a peek over Joe's shoulders and released a small cry.

"Hey, why are all the pages blank?"

"Invisible ink that can only be seen through my glasses." Joe said, coughing and closing the book quickly. Kaolla nodded at Keitaro's querulous glance.

"Anyway, the infected people are only supposed to be able to groan, stutter, and whisper warnings to the main characters. Not talk. So, what the Hell is going on?"

Kaolla grinned laconically. "I got tired of being an undead girl. So I'm back and with explosive power!" With that said, Kaolla pulled the trigger, launching a bomb the size of a dollar bill at Joseph.

**---Scene Change---**

Outside the Hinata Inn main building. Infected Motoko is standing guard, swatting her sword at any guys who approach. And many fanboys are, due to the fact that undead Motoko doesn't realize that she is still naked from the prior scene. Of course, infected Motoko doesn't have the inclination to slash out at females, due to the limited experience she had with that in her lifetime. Therefore, many of the fanboys are willing to sit back and cheer as fangirls in various forms approach and do things to Motoko that are frankly disgusting. Well, if you don't like that kind of thing. Apparently, all the fanboys did.

Slowly, infected Motoko began to realize that she didn't like that kind of thing herself, and so, she raised her sword and began to bring it down at the exact moment that Kaolla launched her mini nuke. The last thing many of her fans thought as they were propelled from the Inn by the blast was, _oh my god, Motoko is so cool!_ Incidentally, the last thing Motoko herself thought was _grooooaaaaahhhhh…._

**---Scene Change---**_  
_

"What the hell, Kaolla?" Keitaro exclaimed frantically. "You just killed the author! That means we are all going to die now!"

"Wait, I thought the expert said that he would become immortal from this! Bring in the expert!" Suddenly, from nowhere, Holly Wood popped out of nowhere.

"If a toon kills a human, then they become a toon themselves!" Holly cried out prophetically. Indeed, as she spoke, Joe's corpse slowly rose in the air, only to settle back down on the ground. Joe stood, grumbling.

"Now that is just confusing. If I died, only to be reborn, that insinuates that I'm not really here, which means that my discussion isn't really occurring, due to the fact that no one exists on the same plane as I do, due to the fact that I don't exist myself, unless my existence is fundamentally one that doesn't imply my direct existence! What say you to that, Miss Wood?" Joe coughed, and then leaned over to catch his breath.

"Well, following your logic (I hope), that means you need to seek help, since you are essentially talking to yourself with every word you say." Holly giggled. "Then again, what do I know, I'm just a porn star."

Keitaro frowned. "But aren't self insertions stupid anyway?"

Joe glared. "For your information, Akamatsu-sensei did a self insertion in the Spring Special, remember? They kidnapped him for his boat. I'm just reaping the same type of glory."

Keitaro glowered. "Well, I liked Ken's version better. He, at least, didn't portray me as a complete idiot."

Joe paused, and then smiled. "Well, did Ken give you your own bike?" Joe made a gesture, summoning Cloud's bike from Final Fantasy. "Eh, well, technically he did, but he removed it before the series began. Besides, this bike is the most pimp bike there is!"

**---Scene Change---**

Meanwhile, during the events of Final Fantasy, Advent Children. The bike scene, where Cloud is chasing after the white haired men. Until, of course, his bike just suddenly disappears.

"Owwwwwwww!' cried Cloud as he was dragged across the pavement at 100 miles per hour, only stopping when he finally hit a bump that threw him across the road and into a dumpster.

The morale of the story, kids? Never drive a super pimp bike at incredible speeds if you aren't 100 percent sure of its own existence.

**---Scene Change---**

Keitaro, meanwhile, was very happy indeed. "Awesome, it has wheels and black paint and everything! How do I drive it?"

Joe smiled. "Well, in the original story, you knew how to drive a bike, so I bequeath you with the knowledge lost! Go forth and drive!"

Eagerly, Keitaro hopped on his motorcycle and pushed it through the remains of the Hinata Inn, finally reaching the hill and waiting for the others. Haruka grabbed the keys to Seta's van, and Kaolla disappeared back into her bedroom.

Joseph grinned. "Well, now, hopefully that got all the self insertion out of my head. I've given Keitaro a bike, and it ought to be funny when he realizes I didn't actually teach him how to ride it!" Joe chuckled and vanished from the scene.

**---Scene Change---**

Kaolla hummed to herself as she perused her key rack. "Shall I take the Mecha Tama VI: aka Gatling Girl? Or maybe Mecha Tama XIV: also called Nuking Nasty? Or maybe I'll go simple and take the Mecha Tama XXVIII. Yes, I think I'll take Unnecessarily Huge."

**---Scene Change---**

Keitaro grumbled, eager to ride his new toy. Haruka pulled up next to him. "You know we have a road access, why are we taking the stairs?"

"Come on, do the guys on motorcycles take roads, or do they ride down the arm rail of the stairs?"

Haruka sighed. "I just hope you know what you are doing." As she spoke, a very sudden rumbling began to come from the nearby hot springs as Mecha Tama XXVIII began to rise out. Unfortunately, the rumbling launched Keitaro forward unexpectedly, and as he began to bounce down the stairs on his bike (which, being bulletproof, surely won't take any damage), he released an angry cry.

"_Damn you, Joseph!_"


	3. The Introduction

Okay, just so you know. Love Hina and all that belongs to Mr. Akamatsu. My characters, however, are mine. I hold exclusive © to my own name as used in this context. Now I don't have to worry, so long as no one actually reads two of my chapters, thinks I own everything, and then doesn't read Chap 3 and this disclaimer.

This chapter is dedicated to Mr. Kouji Tamino, for writing Love Hina Next, which is nothing like this story, Love Hina: Next. (Which you'll notice is renamed now to Love Hina: The Final Days) He wrote a damn good story, and I'm still trying to figure out what would be the quickest way to turn Ami into a real girl for myself. 

My next chapter will be dedicated to the individual who writes the first review. Come on, you know you want to.

Without further ado, I bring you the events after Keitaro gets his ass kicked by a stairwell. :D

---

"_Damn you, Joseph!"_ Yelled Keitaro as his bike slowly tumbled down the stairs, bouncing Keitaro along with it. The bike, being heavily armored, knew it wouldn't take any damage. Keitaro, being completely unarmored, also knew he wouldn't take any damage, but it still _hurt,_ damn it!

Haruka watched the events unfold below her with a mixture of pity and amusement. Then, she decided to get serious. She knew that Keitaro couldn't afford to take so much damage or make so much noise during the next few hours, so she raised her handgun and levied off the shot that would hit Urashima in the head.

**---Scene Change---**

"Do you think Keitaro will be alright?" Shinobu worried. She had been pacing the Hinata Sou's entrance for the last half an hour, occasionally shooting out remarks to the other girls.

"Nah, Keitaro is a tough one to harm." Kitsune said with a smile. "Still, the initial impact, hitting the tree, and then rolling into heavy traffic… I must say, his luck was pretty bad. But don't worry, Shinobu, he'll be fine!"

Haruka watched the girls in her detached way. Naru was sitting on the couch while Motoko hovered behind her, sword ever ready to swipe at any nearby males. Kitsune was, for unknown reasons, pacing the halls with Shinobu, who was slowly wearing a hole into the ground.

"But it was a cement roller!" Shinobu suddenly cried out.

"And Keitaro is fine, don't worry. He is the only guy I know who can take the burn of reentering the atmosphere. And Motoko, isn't Keitaro the only person who has ever survived your sword attacks?"

Motoko coughed, slightly embarrassed. "Well, I wasn't using all my strength…"

Kitsune smirked. "There, see, Keitaro will be fine. He'll be a little flatter, but fine. I was kidding, Shinobu!"

Shinobu ran from the room at the idea of her sempai being flat. Kitsune sighed, and finally turned back to Naru.

"So, Naru, why aren't you studying or anything like that?"

"I'm entitled to take a break every now and then!" Naru retorted.

"Ah, waiting for the phone call from the hospital too, are you?" Kitsune teased. Naru flushed.

"As if I could care what happened to that pervert!"

Haruka sighed, and turned away from the phone right as it began to ring. She whirled and picked it up.

"Hinata Sou, this is Urashima Haruka!"

"Nya-ha! I've hacked into the inn's phone network! Now I'll get unlimited phone calls!"

"Su, you get free phone calls anyway, when you call from your bedroom! Now stop wasting our time! We need to wait for a call from Keitaro's hospital!"

The other side disconnected and then promptly rang again.

"Urashima Haruka, speaking on behalf of the Hinata Inn."

All the other girls, including Kaolla and Shinobu, crowded the phone, trying to listen in on Haruka's conversation.

"So that'll be 1000 yen, and he should be okay in a week? Okay, thank you. You too." Haruka set down the phone. Naru, however, now turned to Haruka.

"1000 yen? It is that cheap? What, does the pervert have a repeat discount rate going for him?"

"I don't really know. Ask that guy." Haruka gestured into the corner, where Joseph was standing, looking mildly peeved at being called into the plot again.

"I don't know how much a yen is worth, so stop looking at me." He then turned around the corner, where a loud feminine shriek was heard. Joseph quickly rounded the corner again.

"Heh, the cutie was changing in the front room again." Joe said, grinning widely. Kanako followed behind him, in the process of pulling on a shirt, the most evil glare she could make plastered to his face.

"I thought the house was guy-free, and secondly, you aren't Keitaro, so stop hitting on me!" Kanako yelled.

Joe smirked. "Heh. Right. Sorry 'bout that, I didn't know. Heh. See you later." He walked away, muttering something about writing in a shower scene. The other girls sweatdropped.

Kanako sighed. "So, what's the occasion? Why's everyone in here?"

**---Scene Change---**

The girls had moved from the living room to the hot springs, following Joe's cue. Haruka was in the process of explaining to Kanako. Kanako was now glaring fully at Naru.

"May I suggest tying Naru down and letting a train run over her?" Kanako inquired coldly.

"Nah, Keitaro'd probably show up and save her, and then we'd be right back where we started with another love heptagon." Kitsune said, sighing. Naru swatted at Kitsune.

Shinobu sighed, leaning further back into the hot springs. The other girls could talk, but none of them would even visit the hospital to cheer him up.

Kaolla grinned at Shinobu. "Still thinking about Kei-honey, are we?" Shinobu nodded, still lost in her thoughts of daringly stealing the van and visiting Keitaro in the hospital. Then she realized what she had agreed to.

"N-no, of course not, just enjoying the hot springs!" Shinobu sank even lower into the springs, hoping to hide her blush. Kaolla, however, seemed more interested in something on the other side of the springs, and so swam away.

"Hiiiiya baby!" Kaolla screamed suddenly, making all the other girls jump and cover themselves. Then they realized that she was just talking on her cell phone, which raised an interesting question.

"Since when have we had cell phones?" Naru asked Haruka, pointing at Kaolla. Haruka shrugged, not really caring.

"I want a cell phone too!" Kitsune grumbled. Naru coughed her assention, Shinobu meeped hers, and even Motoko seemed to like the idea. Haruka sighed and stood up.

"I'll see about getting some later. Maybe Su'll make them for us. Now come on, the springs are going to overheat you if you stay in any longer."

The girls slowly filed out of the springs, grabbing towels and wrapping up before stepping back inside.

Meanwhile…

A loud bang was heard, and then a purple portal opened above the springs. From inside, a male voice boomed ominously.

"I finally get to make a stylish entrance!" Joseph cheered as he jumped out of the portal and dove into the springs. "Hey, where are all the girls?" Joe swam around, looking for someone even remotely feminine.

"Damn it. I was close, but I must have arrived too late. Wait a minute, I'm the freaking author!" Joseph snapped his fingers, and a luscious figure appeared in front of him.

"Heya, cutie!" Joe said, smiling his most winning smile at Kanako.

The scream filled the entire complex, and Joe snapped his fingers, disappearing as all the girls flooded back into the hot springs, leaving only a wide smile, similar to a Cheshire cat.

---

I know what you are thinking, more self insertion, some fan service, and I've got a crush on Kanako. What does this have to do with the story? And what happened to Urashima-kun, with the whole bullet-in-the-head deal? Well, here is my ten pence, and I'll update again. 


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